Old Krank's Reviews

Okay, last one... (filler)

2010-10-04T14:42:00.001+02:00

1000 views.

Nuff said.

...although that's just for mere three months... Didn't expected THAT to come, honestly. Should we open champagne?

Whiplash review became a One-Week Spotlight (filler)

2010-10-03T12:12:00.005+02:00

At last, I started to gain speed on the stuff I do. For the first time, my review was 'recommended' somewhere else and by someone else... Well, closer to the topic. Whiplash was chosen for User Content of The Week on Headshot gaming.
Here's the raddish. And here's the horse. (c) Lion King's Timon & Pumbaa.

Now, for some true announcement, got another mental break right on the 28th of September and all due to the goddamn failure on visa application. Won't tell any more, however, it's all private, woohoo! But, if you please, I'll post THE COMPLETE LIST of my current WIPs. With Hexen for N64 review being fully ready (lacks cover and screencaps for the complete post though...). And considering that I kept some of them in deep secret, I think now it's time to do the justice.

Look.

[PC] Rise of the Triad
[NES] Dezaemon
[ZX] Adventures of Buratino
[ZX] Wolfenstein 2004
[NES] Diablo
[GB] Populous
[NES] San Guo Zhi: Qun Xiong Zheng Ba
Some console game makers and S.T.U.F.F., part deux
Deeper look on GINCS. All what's simple is genial.

Yes, so big the list is. Why I just can't post them all, you ask? Well, here comes your answer. Even a pack of these.

I don't feel like really finishing them.
Sometimes I get so excited I start to write crap which results in a dead end. Sorta kinda.
The game or object of review is not fully studied.
In case with 100% text. It may take one hour to do the screencaps and 15 minutes to render the cover. On the first: considering that I may screenshot very random moments of the game, it's not an exception that I may be blamed for playing child games by my mother again (I rarely ever get FULLY obsessed by a game now, though).

And now, to finish this load of crap, some 'Penny For Your Thoughts!' moments. In other words, the games that I plan to review but due to overload of WIPs, can't do that currently.

[PS] Firebugs
[SNES] Doom
[SNES] Super 3D Noah's Ark*
[PC] Rival Realms
[PC] S.A.G.A.: Rage of the Vikings
[ZX] Goody
[ZX] Genghis Khan
[N64] Daikatana
[GBC] Daikatana
Something christmassy or else. **

So that's it for the author's scrappy block, hope I will break the silence of non-commenting pretty soon and will deliver with an extra portion of obscurity awesomeness.

* Not taking the actual Wolfenstein 3D on SNES for the review, because accuracy-wise, it's terrible. Loosely-based-on-the-original levels along with heavily butchered game completion scheme made their job. No, new weapons ARE kinda cool, but taking the butchered level structure into account makes it pretty much expectable to fail. Also, thanks to Nintendo's [censored by Nintendo's censorship] censorship, the atmosphere of good ol' Wolfie is now supported only by splendid music. So I took Super 3D'Noah's Ark by Wisdom Tree (basically, nothing else than Color Dreams in religious disguise) which is, apart from its' tedious setting has really awesome level design and... oh boy, four levels per episode instead of three in SNES Wolf3D.
** In concept, those may be both parts of Santa Claus in Trouble for the PC, Bomberman 2002 for the NES and one Santa Claus game for the PS, forgot its' name.

Third follower (filler)

2010-10-02T09:33:00.003+02:00

To start the posting on this month off, I'm gotta welcome the third (AT LAST) follower of this site. Come in, teh2Dgamer, and enjoy your stay.

And make sure you subscribe to him and his awesome vids:
http://www.youtube.com/user/teh2Dgamer

Coming up soon is... uhm, the list's too long, so let me decide our next victim soon.

Some console game makers and S.T.U.F.F., part un (filler)

2010-09-23T18:01:00.013+02:00

I would gladly post my next review, but the reason why I started to make this is... just because I've got lots of them in my mind. So, there it is. The software that might help you to create your own games, but NOT on the PC. Rather than that, on the consoles. Even on the handhelds. Even on the phones. Some might even be reviewed here. But right of the bat, some shrt descriptions for each of them.

Had to omit several game makers since I haven't seen them in action, so... Wait for part two! Like, RPG Maker's granddaddies on MSX and their GBC counterparts. Also, if I missed somethin', call me anytime.

Oh, and if you wanna download and try something of these, leave your request in comments. Pretty much like it. Hee wee go.

DEZAEMON

Platform: NES -> NES
Genre: scroll-shooter

Pretty much the only game from the 'work-right-on-the-console' category on the NES. As many would guess, it creates... that's right, space shooters. Three levels, built-in sprite and music editors. Was released ONLY in Japan. Also... is it me or it doesn't have any place to save the ready-to-use game on?

THE FORBIDDEN FOUR

Platform: PC -> NES
Genre: multicart

Yeahle, the SDK for creating multicarts! Based/hacked/ripped straight from one of the Animal Crossing's built-in ROMs. The original Forbidden Four had Mario Bros., Ice Climbers, Super Mario Bros and The Legend of Zelda (packed with battery save, yah!). With some messing up, you may create your own product... like below. Don't ask me how to do it, though. All in readme. Just one note right off the bat: insert games with corresponding mappers.

And one more thing, in case if you want to insert your own logo like I did. First, try to adopt your new title screen to the colors set by default. Second, if the logo looks glitchy, then try to fix it with Djinn Tile Mapper: select the tileboard with logo in the graphics window (but make sure it's positioned 1:1 like on the picture), search for the game names in the 'Names, scripts and other stuff' (biggest window by now) and hop-la! You see the garbaged logo. Now, if you know enough about what HEX is, you may definitely fix it.

GINCS

Platform: PC -> MD
Genre: interactive novel or something like this

Another SDK, but this time, more, MUCH MORE user-friendly. And really little-known, so lemmie bump it up. Allows you to create text adventure games, supported with pictures, right onto a MegaDrive ROM. All you need is imagination, custom GFX and music. About the music. Theorethically, MVSTracker must do this dirty job, but importing the ready-to-use tracks into MVS0 ends up with having the header different to tracks in the example ROM. And the tracker itself looks pretty limited... to me. Supports either 16-color or 31-color images (with the second screwing up sometimes) and, as you may have guessed, supports MVS format chiptunes. Also, pretty easy system for scripting scenarios (source code of the engine itself's included too).
If you didn't get something about the language, then...

Everything without variables - Text! Dialogues! Stuff! May be used with the ENTER key.
#loadbkg forest - runs forest.pcx from the 'pics' folder.
#playmusic lunituni - runs lunituni.mvs from the 'music' folder.
#goto scenario - runs :scenario entry (see below) in the same script. If used without '/i' in the beginning, the content of the previous entry blends with the 'scenario'.
#progcall progname - runs PROGNAME.txt in the 'scripts' folder. Any name may used for the script name, but be sure to have MAIN.txt, this one is an autorun script.
/i - new line. Not to be used before you the '!' variables (see below), most likely after them.
#set fl0000 - turns the fl0000 key on. Notice that GINCS doesn't work with any keys other than fl0000-fl9999.
#clear fl0000 - self-explanatory.
#if fl0000 - is the fl0000 key on?
#if not fl0000 - is the fl0000 key off?
:scenario - new entry, named 'scenario' script-wise. On practice, may be called anyhow, just don't make the title too long.
!scenario;Run The Scenario - menu. Engages the ':scenario' entry in the current script.
' - dash. Does nothing, used for commenting the script itself.

That was pretty much the first step. Check the example game to see how it actaully works. And, again, the footage:

3D SHOOTING TSUKURU

Platform: PS -> PS
Genre: 3D scroll-shooter, Starfox-like

Never officially went outside of Japan. Sadly. Still, we live in the age of emulation, so there you go! If you thought that Dezaemon series lacked shape (even with Dezaemon 3D on N64), then here you go: you may create something similar to Starfox from the SNES. Not only that, you get the maker bundled with THREE sample games. And the model builder as well. Althrough, I must admit, with lotsa Japanese text, you'll barely ever make something in it.
Nevertheless, the game itself is so-o-o-o-o-o-o speedy (althrough you may blame the untextured polygons) that you would definitely try to make something in it, if not only the lack of translation...

RPG TSUKURU 4

Platform: PS -> PS
Genre: ditto?

Well, everyone knows what RPG Maker for PS is. Allows to create your own RPG by storing it on both yer memory cards, comes with a sprite editor, Anime Maker, blah-blah-blah... Well, THIS GAME is a sequel. J-only, once again. And, most notable change in here is that this installment disposes of the most overused in the world Final Fantasy battle system completely. Instead, we get something like... Chrono Trigger in Hard Mode. Nicey, huh? Also, the graphics are pretty much alike to those you can meet in the latest RPG Makers for the PC. With, needless to say, more memory card space required for the custom characters' sprites (but only those, who battle!). It's all in [you may guess it], but this link may help you to understand where and what.
And almost forgot to tell ya! This game supports custom music now! Only thing you have to do before composing your own songs is to get Ongaku Tsukuru 3.

***

Well, that's all for today! Thanks for visiting and, repeating again, if you need something listed above, just say it in the comments and I'll post the download link. Next time, we're gonna fuck up Fighter Maker for the first PS.

[PC] Whiplash

2010-09-22T19:59:00.004+02:00

GAMES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN PORTED: Whiplash [Fatal Racing]

Genre: racing
PC/developer/publisher: Gremlin Interactive Ltd.
Year of release: 1995
Players: 2
Media: 1 CD-ROM
Additional peripherals supported: gamepad

Get Crashday. Remove all the career stuff and replace it with teamplay. Add a bit of atmosphere from old-skool NFSes, and you'll get Whiplash, maybe one of the best racing games ever made for old systems (DOS and Windows 95, to be exact). Why? Well, if it begged me to play it as much as my faves, Crash Team Racing and Gran Turismo, there is a reason for that. Why won't we discuss which ones, if you have a minute or two?

***

Okay, it may have kinda poor graphics, even if you keep all the GFX options on max, but. First, it was a DOS game, and if DOS would do the 3D render similar to Quake II or even III, all the numerous polygons will be untextured, plus, the game would go no more than 25 FPS, no matter which machine you try. Second, who said these graphics actually LOOK like they're bad? Try that Country Justice cocksucking trash and you'll see that the graphics are supahbad not only technologically, but estetically too. Okay, never mind. We're not here to discuss the polygon count, you know.
What's cool in Whiplash (therefore refered to as Fatal Racing, or simply FR) is the gameplay. It's not just about finding perfect curves 'on air', it's also about floating, bumping, bumping bad guys, riding on extreme curves... Well, to my knowledge, this is the first well-known racing game that used lotsa stunts, succeeded by Crashday and Trackmania series... And you thought that the coolest stunt racings were released today? Try FR, it will let you blush in that case, I swear.
Oh, and the feature I mentioned above. Teamplay, yeah. Any modern racing game I've seen (newest CTR clones don't count) always lets you to be a one car army. And that's it. In FR, you will have a choice: either you play alone (eight cars overall) or with a partner (same goes for each team, so it goes to sixteen rides). As a team, you will get a bigger chance to win the first places on the championships (or the last ones, if you both fuck up). Of course, what kind of team this would be without some helping stuff like communication... Time after time, you will get messages about your comrador's ride status ('No one's getting past', for example, or 'I'm going in for pits') to make sure that everything goes Ol' Raitt and decide what to do (accelerate, in most of the cases, or bump 'em all) in case if something goes Fairly Odd. If you want, you may even set a chase camera that shoots your teammate (and his position), in place of the timer or rear view mirror. Or, refer to the 'F*' keys to give orders to him.That helps VERY MUCH, I give you my testicles if I won't prove that.
As a dessert, I'll tell you that this is, perhaps, THE ONLY racing game on my memory that may be played COOPERATIVELY. So, if you have a friend that mastered all his Colin McRays and Carbons inside and outside, bring him to your home so he would play this game shoulder-by-shoulder with you. Now, this method gives more profit than playing it with a dead AI. You may decide whom to bump and when to stop for pits... But make sure that you and your friend are used to split-screen mode. Otherwise, you may use the cable connection between two comps, so good luck on trying to sync that stuff!
And, of course, what kind of a fatal racing game it would be without the damage system! Visually, they don't appear. Anyhow. If you won't count the smoke. But when you drive the car... That starts to feel ve-e-e-e-ery badly. Wanna always arrive first? Accelerate to max speed and never, I said, NEVER bump the walls. Yeah-yeah-yeah, bumping walls a lot may harm not only your baby, but it's ultrasonicness as well. In other words, the more you receive, the more your max speed suffers. Easy as hell, yet it's the factor one of your upcoming failure. That's not GTA4 where you get the stolen stuff all broken and still ride with the wind like nothing happened. So, you know, don't fail © Rise of the Triad. In case of what, you either pit or lose one of your three lives (the only time when you may hear the announcement shouting 'FATALITY!!!' Gawd, that's what should be used for M.U.G.E.N. announcers instead of classic Shao Kahn's voice). You lose the cup during the both operations, still.
There is a lot of difficulty levels, starting from 'Girlie' and ending with 'Impossible'... But they only slightly change the AI's behavior and pump the laps number up. That's it. What really makes the game harder (rather than marathonish) is one of three collision damage levels, plus one secret one that may be enabled by DR DEATH cheat (accept this as your name before you type your name in). While low one makes the game feel like yet another NFS clone, Death Mode is sooooo assy but sooooo beautiful that makes the action just goddamn hardcore. Also, that makes bumping the enemies easier too... And that makes you to cut out EVERY curve perfectly, therefore...
And it's sure wouldn't be a stunts racing game without really wild tracks filled with abnormal roads, spaghettis and the things that may make your car fle-e-e-e-e-e-ep! For a starter, there are a lot of turns (yet you may simply accelerate like nothing happened). Then there comes a section of more deadly angles of turning and bumpy roads. Then, lots of 'passages'. Then, ramps. And, to make your blood not just boil but rather burn, and burn as long as you play this game... 360° road sections which will make the world turn upside down... Or even aside. Controlling a car in such a hell needs practice, practice and practice yet again.
Nicey and responsible controls will sure help you in your quest for gold medals. To mention, you can select between a manual gear swap or an automatic (automatic is recommended, so you would use more attention on not going out of bounds).
Sound. Nine out of ten, if I would have a rating system. The sounds are all cool, yet the announcer may get a bit annoying after 30 minutes of playing. Every car and every track has its' own narrative description (digg 'em boyz). The music is just drivy and gorgeous. Even if that's not Flatout's earbreaking awesomeness, it's something close to this level. Just different genre, that's it. Awesome running demo music. Really classy and awesome (yet again) main menu theme. Another fitting and recognizeable theme for the first track, Grand Royale, that may be listened again and again, considring that this game is just full of marathones... The other themes keep the spirit up pretty much like above mentioned tracks did. Just one disclaimer... All I said about the awesomeness of FR's OST refers to the MIDI version of the soundtrack. The CDDA version, for some really weird reason, retains only the demo theme alive, while the others were merely replaced with some techno songs that turn into techno shit when blendered with FR's atmosphere. And yeah, you guessed it. No classy main menu melody. WTF, I MISS IT SO MUCH! Oh, and one more disclaimer. If you decided to use the MIDI tracks, use the old sequencer, because with the newer one, some instruments will get on desync. And, if you can, please post the entire MIDI soundtrack on YouTube, I would HIGHLY appreciate that, thank you.
Oh, I forgot another feature that makes FR look like most modern games... Replay video editor. Loved to mess up with this when I was a kid...

***

So, overall, if you think that ALL serious racing games are all about showing the road and the car's LARGE BUTT, play this and think again. It may not be really serious, maybe even fully arcade, but it really, really does its' job. It entertains. Eat my eyes if you are a racing game fan and you didn't liked burning rubber and burning the badguys on the right side from you.
Now, why do I think this game had to be ported on consoles and not remain a PC exclusive. Well, let's take PlayStation for example. Even if the actual game required 4 megs of RAM at least (or eight), the graphics would be no bother to deploy here becuase there's not so much textures used. Plus, not so much polygons. Dumb CDDA track could be either replaced with epic rearrangements of the real FR music converted to XA or become sampled PSM tracks (announcer's endless pile of quotes could use XA format, pretty much like CTR did), but I know that Gremlin would make that nightmare come true, so... Also, the replay editor would be gone, but... Well, if Gran Turismo allowed to record replays, then I'd put this one too. With the editor.
So, may anyone tell me, why FR wasn't ported to any of the consoles existing on that day? Gremlin had trouble with money, I guess?

BOTTOM LINE:
'Serious' arcade racing never was so fun. If you like marathones and explosions, this fun is sure for you... And, to pump the juice up, this game should be yours if you like to beat games WITH a friend! Nobody knows why there was no, well, remakes or ports of this. Even homebrew ones. Maybe because this gamie is an obscurity? Gark, too bad.

SCREENSHOT TIME!

Whiplash has better title. Fatal Racing has better title screen.

Wee, wee ween!

Never mess with Ms. Platina Berlitz. Otherwise, brutality guaranteed.

OH SHIT FELL DOWN.

When drivers become pilots.

Beware of pitstops. The AI tends to mash your ride even there.

[NES] Educational Computer 2000

2010-09-16T21:07:00.009+02:00

Educational Computer 2000 [Kibord 003]

Genre: well, educational computer!
PC/developer/publisher: ehrm... why did I put this? Whatever. Microsoft.
NES/developer: unknown, but judging by the copyrights, MOONSPIRV or sort of.
NES/publisher: unknown
Year of release: 2000
Players: no, rather users. One.
Media: 1 MB cartridge, NES compatible
Additional peripherals supported: Subor Keyboard and bundled mouse. Without them, you couldn't even use it fully.

Oh yah, for the first time, I'm going to review, well... Not really a game, but rather a bootleg clone of pre-2000 Windowses. Why? Well, because if you had these long ago, these will make you cry. Really. Cry out flaming tears of The Grand Nostalgie. And out of all the pirated 'educational systems', I selected this one. Not Win98, not newly-dumped Win2000. This. Why? Well, because it's not a stupid slideshow like Win98 and is more functional than both versions altogether.

So, in Famicom's manner, these 'educational systems' replace the real PC thing. But, while in case of Famicom these were trying to become standalone computers, most of the keyboard famiclones were sorta kinda simulators before you bought a shiny new PC with preinstalled game series named Gates' Nightmare (time for throwing rotten tomatoes guys! If you don't abuse at its' glitchiness at all, of course). Yet even today, in our age of worldwide crisises and crysises, I see those keyboards with a slot for a cartridge in shops. Who knows, maybe I could have even spend two times more money on buying this instead of my three-years-old Dendy 2. One thing I definitely know, however. Like Famicoms, these educational systems will soon become gaming consoles rather than computers...

***

OH and what I see! This cart wasn't fully made by guys from China! Or is it? In any case, I see some familiar Russian titles in here! So, here are the few things you'll see here: some pointless drawing/planning/karaoke programs, keyboard trainer, pretty decent Solitaire, some system options, including screensver setup and stats of your 'machine' (I swear, the screensaver feature is cool to see in here), Donkey Kong Jr. Math, an accurate MS-DOS mockup and 1MB SRAM... Yeah, 1MB SRAM used for fully functional Microsoft Word. You know, I would rather use this version than the regular Notepad/Word that bored me to death. And hell yeah, it saves everything properly, but there is one lil' problem... How the Dickens do I import the files from the cartridge SRAM to my comp?
What you badly need to play with all of these toys, however, is a Subor Keyboard (Famicom's one won't go) and a mouse (yes people, NES had a mouse, thanks to the guys whose idea it was to make educational shit). FCEUmm from CaH4e3 (for dummies: pronounced as 'Sanchez') supports both very well. One complaint for the mouse... It scrolls too slow. Like you were moving a cursor with a joypad. No complaints on keyboard, but the cursor speed fucking sucks. Fucking sucks so much that you have to move your mouse back about ten or twelve times to get the cursor from one side of the screen to another. Maybe this is one of the really few cases where trackball comes in handy? Oh, and on Solitaire, 'the contrary happens': moving the mouse becomes such a softness...
Another bad thing is the music on the title screen. It feels like Micro Genius's crap tunies, no kidding.
One more. The program collab is completely random.
But it's fun to see the 'inside' of this cart with PC-DOS.
It was fun to discover that the songs that my parents and grandparents loved were reconverted into 8-bit, even if the result sounds crappy.
It was fun to see the characteristics of my 'computer' in the options menu (so, if you're going to do NES style games, use this as a reference).
It was just awesome to discover maybe the most comfortable text editor on the NES, out of all, perhaps, three or four.
It's not a slideshow like Windows 98 parody. It works.
I wish I would have this thing bundled in case if I buy a keyboard famiclone.
So all in all... If you wanna mess up with it, mess it, for fun and profit. If you see no sense, don't bother. It will never replace the real Windows in any case. Here, I said everything I thought about this multicart. Really short, but that's all I have to say, honestly.
But we shall return to Windows stuff very soon. Ehrm, what do you think, maybe we should review some classic Windows games ported to NES, huh?

BOTTOM LINE:

Out of all edu-stuff I saw for this console, this one is the most neat. Every program included here works. Without the real famiclone, however, it becomes zero priority, but if you had Windows 98 as an OS long ago... Check this out.

SCREENSHOT TIME!

System programs. Comes packed with Word and Excel.

Such a sucky system. LAWL.

And now, the screensaver!

I dunno who made THIS program, but he never knew Russian THAT well.

Select your deck pattern for Solitaire. Nobody would know that doing this would be harder than playing Solitaire itself.

DOS prompt, as a dessert.

[ZX] Nether Earth

2010-09-14T17:21:00.005+02:00

Nether Earth

Genre: real-time strategy, indirect control
ZX/developer: Icon Design LTD
ZX/publisher: Argus Press Software
Year of release: 1987
Players: 1
Media: casette tape
Additional peripherals supported: Kempston joystick, Interface 2

Let me tell you something. For a gamer, who rocks it on since the year 2005, ZX Spectrum doesn't ring a bell. But, let me tell you, it had something that would make you shout something like 'Wow, and that was made in 80s? Cool...' Of course, the hardware specs didn't made Spectrum save from various platform games, but. It had the first real-time strategy ever, Stonkers, released in a mileage before Dune II. It also had a first adventure FPS game, Total Eclipse, shown to the world long ago before Half-Life. 3D billiards? There sure will be one. ZX Spectrum has it too. A music tracker? Thanks to the fans, it's present as well. Point'n'click adventure? Say hello to Vera. And so on, and so on, and so on...
No hardware limitations stop entusiasts from making ZX Spectrum's fanbase even bigger than the one that exists on the NES. They'll sure create something that will make Battle Kid: Fortress of Peril like your poor kid's I Wanna Be The Guy. Look at them remaking old-skool FPS games and you'll ask yourselves if NES is really superior to ZX Spectrum. Of course, the reason of why the ZX scene is more active than NES is still a mystery, even to me. Well, maybe because you were unable to create your own games on our Best Beloved Console (Dezaemon doesn't count. It was a standalone cart and had no saving feature.) while with the magic of BASIC, you could create everything limited with your imagination, knowledge of BASIC itself and the free space on the tape. At least I think so...
But ZX had something kinda revolutionary even in its' early ages... Meet Nether Earth, an RTS whose game mechanics were later used in Herzog, in Herzog Zwei, in Tanktics, in Uprising, in Battlezone...
Damn those who think that Modem Wars really was the closest predcessor to Herzog Zwei... Nether Earth was! If you've played this, you'll know why.

***

Right off when you run the game, you have an excellent one-time possibility to listen a gorgeous techno intro track... And it's the 48K version. I swear, if there would be the 128K version of this, this tune would lose everything it had before. Why do I think so? Well, was Robin of the Wood's 48K music great, despite it sounded like 'DRRRRRR' if you had no musical hearing? Yesh. Had the 128K version of the same game same celtic spirit as the original? No. Was Lode Runner 128K version music REALLY ANNOYING despite it was a cover of a classical piano tune? Certainly, considering that it's the only tune in the game which will, sadly, repeat even ingame. And that the loop is no bigger than 20 seconds. And that the only way to keep your ears save was muting the TV set or put the headphones off, because YOU ARE UNABLE TO TURN THIS FREAKING ANNOYANCE OFF IN OPTIONS!!! Ahem, never mind, that's the wrong game. Back on topic...
So, in Nether Earth, you're thrown into the first and, at the same time, the final battle against an alien race known only as isignians. Okay, you already guessed that this game has only one mission. And let me warn you: THIS MISSION ALONE IS INCREDIBLY LONG! And kinda hard for the beginners, because these extraterresial bastards start with three warbases, while you're obliged to mess up with the remaining one! That sucks, but hey, I have overwent more hellish obstacles, and that is a strategy game, after all, so why not? Also, thank godness we would be able to save the progress on the tape if we would play it on real ZX...
The concept. In here, you control the, ehrm... 'device'. So, with this device, you'll be able to fly across the map, request the production of battle robots, give orders and control the robots directly. Pretty much like it, but even this is enough to rush through the game. What's also important, the device is invicible all the time, which means that it may even resist nuclear attacks! It sure gives a WTF face expression, but it helps and PERIOD.
Now, the robots. These are, perhaps, the only units in this game (aside from the device), but these may be fully configurable! Before he sees the light (or rather the light sees him), you need to equip him with a chassis, bunch of weapons (starting from a lame cannon and ending with the implanted nuclear bomb) and electronics, if you want the robots to have their own, even lame, almost identical to Battle City, AI.
Now, with what you pay to create these iron dummies. As I said, from the start you get one warbase, which will equip you with a plenty of 'General' points every day. 'General' points (no, not army ranking ones) are basically universal: with them, you will be able to pay for every add-on for your robots... But no matter what, no matter how, you need to capture factories that produce separate credits for each add-on. You can't capture them. But, your suite can! So, that's where you have to pay attention the most: resource management. Luckily, the map is just one long straight line, which means that the 'domination factor' will be more than obvious. Yes, you guessed it, the enemies capture factories too. But, in case of the emergency, you may destroy them, no problem.
Oh. Have I already mentioned you can control robots directly? Ah yeah, I have. But let me explain the process with more details. So, after you sit on robot's head (you start to lay eggs. Kidding.), you may either give him a capture/destroy/retreat order, or... Choose 'Direct Control' and dispose of that stupid pathfinding mechanism: you will ride him yourself. In fact, if you need a faster ride (because these dummies are VERY slow), always take the tanks with antigrav chassis. Not only they are the fastest, but they can also get through many ground obstacles (holes, humpy roads) in a second. There will be a trouble if you meet an enemy robot, however, because the direct control and battle mode are separated from each other. And the 'Move Robot' option makes 'Direct Control' completely obsolete. Also, thanks to the sucky control responce time in the orders menu, your robot will be ashed before you fire any of your guns. Well, the menu and the robots are a bitch to control, but, weirdly enough, the device controls as slight as like nothing happened!! How do you call that?!
How it plays... Slow tempo yet kinda high replayability. Paradoxally, because since Red Alert, we know RTSses usually being fast-paced and dynamic. NE, however, didn't even broke the rule, because it came earlier, obviously. At least it's faster than the above mentioned Stonkers... Still not sure that the gameplay will be fine? It once eaten all my PDA's battery when I was emulating it on UnrealSpeccy. Not because it was a complicated game to emulate, but because I was messing with the damn aliens for so much time. That's how exciting it is.
Since I've told you pretty much about the game itself, lemmie describe the graphics. Well, the 'working area' uses only two colors (forget about the bevel on the bottom-right side), but everything is recognizable: buildings, factories, robots, stuff... The view is isometrical, but no worries, that didn't inflicted the control scheme (contrary to Snake Rattle 'n Roll). Everything moves at the same side as you want. If only they would fix the buttons' response time...

***

Nether Earth was a pretty popular ZX game in muddahrussah, if you will forget that its' popularity has been shadowed by Dune II. Really, really shadowed. Right, once again I'm sorry that the press didn't care about everything that helped Dune to become a success. But even with that, Nether Earth got a simple 3D remake (yet with lots of custom maps), a mobile game adaptation (known as Wasteland), an unofficial translation to Russian and even Nether Earth Editor. But will I EVER know how to enable the editor mode, hah?!!
Oh, and this gamie has also been available on Commodore 64. But, only due to one reason, you should refer to ZX Spectrum version rather than this... The interface placement sucks there! Short but you get the idea.

BOTTOM LINE:
If you've just discovered ZX Spectrum for yourself, this thingie is one of the must-haves for your collection. Slow yet goddamn exciting gameplay, only one but awesome tune, only one mission that will take hours to complete. Okay, that may sound weird... but, think of exciting gameplay again. After all, it was really innovative, wasn't it?

SCREENSHOT TIME!

Laconic.

Lemmie see your brains...

That's when you have to dispose of annoying pathfinding.

Making a bomb on a floating platform, seriously.

Battle between ours and theirs.

No, that's not a bug. That's a nuclear bomb explosion shot at the wrong time.

[NES] Harry's Legend - Debug mode demo

2010-09-10T20:15:00.004+02:00

ANNOUNCEMENT OF My Gym Partner Is A Clone VIDEO

Hah-hah. Messing with debug mode in Harry's Legend (former Titenic)... You know, with this, the volleyball minigame becomes A LOT easier.

Be back very soon (filler)

2010-09-09T09:58:00.002+02:00

Alright, the previous post indeed was useless. Heeh.

In any case, expect a straightaway megabig bunch of new stuff for the remaining month, including the things that weren't mentioned in the announcement.

Doesn't mean that you aren't free to subscribing to me and posting comments though [does Bowser's Hotel Mario laugh].

...I'll be a mess among my parents. (filler)

2010-08-30T09:21:00.001+02:00

Oh damn, it just turns out to be a straight line of misfortunes with the computers for me. And that's because only of one old trojan that Dr. Web couldn't spot for TWO (!) years. And that goes with updates, seriously. Don't say I should set up another antimalware program: that computer was my mom's. But it went on full rampage only now. My DVD recorder went dead. I accidentally infected my laptop when was deleting those damn trojan's lavras on the mom's comp. I got a lot of programs disabled, including Dr. Web itself (well, thanks for helping you stupid bastard), Task Manager, Daemon Tools and Insofta Cover Commander. Now I'm even afraid of inserting my PDA into the computer or upload something anywhere. Not even that, now I can't log into Dr. Web's homepage, dammit!

But, since mom's computer got infected too (awwwww shit I couldn't delete that autorun.inf file and thanks to Dr. Web again... he couldn't spot the roots of evil), I can't enter that site from this machine either. But that's not all. Now I'm blamed for downloading childish (hahaha) shit even if I'm being seventeen already! Dad doesn't allow my mom to run something on that comp, even the anocounter program, so my future higher education is riding on the edge. So, what I have to say? I am a retard, and the more time I spend in front of the computer, the more I become upset, nervous and frustrated. And don't even try to pat my head, THAT WAS MY FAULT. Period. So, kill it off, I'm going on REAL hiatus.

I wanted to expand the Old Krank's Reviews but seems like you guys won't pay any real attention to it right now. I still have got only TWO followers, and both are my friends. I know that schoolfilmer and SamuraiMaster do read my blog, but are not subscribed yet (or maybe forever). *sigh* Men, anyone can comment, even unregistred users! So, if you liked the review, say it directly! If you won't, well, this site will be abandoned.

So long, I shall come back one day!.. If I shall.

EDIT: Okay, mom's comp is clear, but I have lost my PS ISO collection for the fourth time. Rehashing it in closest future.

EDIT: Sheesh, sorry. It's still alive. Stooped me ^_^.

Due to technical issues... (filler)

2010-08-28T09:03:00.000+02:00

...no Nether Earth 3D-cover for now. Not even for Diablo if I will figure out where to run Insofta Cover Commander...

And my DVD recorder passed away recently. Before my laptop got infected... HEY, I was just removing a lot of this damn trojan's larvas from the other comp and I was deleting them so rad that I accidentally ran two of them. So, non-infected USB drives - GONE. Normal task manager - GONE. Reinstalled Dr. Web's scanner - GONE. So, hiatus?

[MAG] Video-Uss Dendy: Game Genie

2010-08-26T12:39:00.000+02:00

ANNOUNCEMENT OF Video-Uss Dendy: Game Genie TRANSLATION

Short one, nuff said. The rest is said in editorial.

Pirated Games Central entry with the same text, LAWL.

EDITORIAL

I dunno if Game Genie was really sold at Steepler's, but considering that Video-Uss Dendy was the first videogame magazine in Russia and that Video-Uss publishment had contacts with such widely known magazines as Joystick and Joypad (see below)... I guess that everyone who read this article wished to have such a thing at home.

Short but enjoyable. So enjoy it and sho-- wait, that's from the other movie.

TRANSLATION

(attention hackers)

IS IT POSSIBLE TO "HACK" A GAME ON THE CARTRIDGE?

A gaming console is not a computer in a regular meaning of this word., it doesn't allow you to reach every file of it, it doesn't allow you to change the code of the game. So, on the question placed in the header, some will say that it's not possible, some will say that it's only for the experts who own special hardware - EEPROM programmers (and that won't be in all cases), but there are the people who will definitely say 'yes'. These are the gamers who know what Game Genie ("Genius of the Game" [sic! - Nicker]) is. With Game Genie, you may be able to play your favorite games even better and use all the features of them, usually, even hidden ones! It's inserted into the console exactly the same way as a regular cartridge, and the game cartridge itself has to be inserted into Game Genie.

THE CONSOLE FOR THE CONSOLE! [ehrm, 'An addon for the console' would be a more exact translation, but it lacks the loudness of the original phrase - Nicker]

Game Genie, without damaging the cartridge, modifies the game for the rules you write itself. Lives that never end, ammo, invulnerability, superspeed, new arsenal, unlimited time - now you control these all. The Game Genie manual lists the descriptions of the genial possibilities of 74 games. These include Batman, Castlevania, Duck Tales, Double Dragon, Dr. Mario, Robocop, Solomon's Key, Tetris, Top Gun and many other popular games. Find the game that interests you in a manual and, using the arrows, input the listed codes on the Game Genie screen. Every code corresponds to the new special abilities the characters will gain. After that, press START button and the old game with new things shall begin. You may even combine infinite lives and energy or warp to the last area with superjump and infinite ammo e.t.c. Easy. The interface of Game Genie is understandable even for kids. If you want to play the game without using Game Genie's features, there's not need in pulling it off from the console, All you need is pressing START button without entering the code, then Game Genie will forget all your previous entries and you'll enter the game like if the cartridge would be inserted directly into the console.

ORIGINAL PAGES

[DVD] Kidnapping Caucasian Style

2010-08-23T19:51:00.000+02:00

ANNOUNCEMENT OF Kidnapping Caucasian Style (Kavkazskaya Plennitza) REVIEW

Another dose of cooperative stupidity, this time, me and Double-Oh review the movie of my childhood, and IT IS BRILLIANT. Nuff said, go see the review and the movie.

Or don't press this link if you're too busy.

Diablo's coming soon... I guess.

TESTING WITH FIRE...

There is the entire movie with English subtitles, in case of. Thanks to IgorRussland for sharing, sorry if you don't know me, dude!

[MD] Dune: The Battle for Arrakis

2010-08-18T19:09:00.000+02:00

Dune: The Battle for Arrakis

Genre: real-time strategy
PC/MD/developer: Westwood
PC/MD/publisher: Virgin
Year of release: 1993
Players: 1
Media: 1 MB cartridge, SEGA MegaDrive compatible
Additional peripherals supported: none, sadly

I really do like this game. What I hate about the aura it makes, however, is that it is always treated like 'FIRST REALTIME STRATEGY GAME EVER, YAH!'... when you are grown-up enough to believe in fairytales, you start to believe this shit widespread by journalists. For the last time, STONKERS FOR ZX SPECTRUM WAS THE FIRST STRATEGY CONTROLLED IN REAL TIME. But I usually would like to close my eyes and cool down... unless I see the same gaming press in the faraway past when they poured shit on more fast-paced and unusual Herzog Zwei and gave flowers to Dune II which was pretty much like 'supUrb' and 'revolutionary' in their opinion, because they were pretty much like blind not to see that the concept actually existed since long ago. Westwood just tried to perfect it, as well as making it 'indirect control strategy' with mouse, and, needless to say, they did it.
I still like Dune though. If you forget about all these gaming press baby pranks. I can't really forget about Herzog Zwei at the same time, still, because, when I first tried this game, I understood that it has everything that Dune: The Battle for Arrakis haven't. But I will tell you what exactly much, much later. Meanwhile, we move on to the game...

***

Of course, Virgin in cooperation with Westwood couldn't make it look ABSOLUTELY the same as the PC version; otherwise, it would look just plain worse that the 'custom port' they have delivered to MegaDrive. First of all, the new intro looks badass (as well as the new intro theme written by Frank Klepacki himself), even if the port doesn't retain the ACTUAL sneak peek with the story. Also, the new feature that wasn't available on the PC, a little tutorial video, in case if you feel like a noob with this game. Needless to say, completely redrawn ingame graphics. Mentat behaves a bit different than he did on the PC, where he surveyed you to make sure you're not a spy sent by another house. The economics were rebalanced, sorta kinda, so one credit doesn't equal to dollar but rather to something more expensive than euro (hence that, buildings and stuff cost less but harvesters DO collect spice a bit slower).
And the interface. It has been changed completely. Do you remember that episode from Westwood's history when they have invented simple-to-use 'one click - one action' controls for adventure games (that remain in domination even today, too bad Sierra ACTUALLY invented the same thing at the same moment) while the other games of its' time messed your head up with the list of optional actions located somewhere below the game screen. Like, you want to open the door. Nowadays, you could simply point the cursor on it and click. Before, you had to choose 'Open' out of the long list, then point, then click. Do you get what I mean? Well, that's exactly what they did with PC-to-MD transition of Dune II. If you also remember how the original Dune II looked, you should also know that it, of course, didn't had all the possible orders listed in three columns, but moving your units with clicking 'Move' on the screen EVERY fucking time will be getting ridiculous. On the MegaDrive, you just have to point the place where your unit must move and press the A button. Simple as that. Believe it or not, this feature alone became the part of the modern RTSses, therefore used not only in Westwood's creations, but also in the RTSses not made by them (take Warcraft for instance). I doubt, however, that it was innovative too, because of the same damn Stonkers...
And, of course, Mr. Klepacki has proudly redubbed the voices and remade the music specifically for this edition. Yes, the cover versions of the original OST fit the game exactly, I will agree, but one thing is that THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TRACKS. Seriously, this game indeed lacks ingame music. Only four songs for the entire lotsa-hour non-stop action? Hah-hah. Even I could fit more music stuff into just one meg cartridge, Westwood!
And, for a dessert, I'm gonna tell you about the fate of this port in our suffering motherrussias. In there, Dune instanly became a cartridge that every good megadriver (not meaning the members of Megadriver band) definitely owned in his collection. And thanks to the, sorry for going nuts AGAIN, malpopularity of Herzog and, let's say, Populous on MegaDrive... it has been always treated like the only RTS on this console. But that's not the thing yet. Again, like in my Doctor Mario review, I'm gonna mention my first emulation site ever, Emu-Land.net. So, the hacking of this game actually went on full speed, which brought us an easy-to-use map editor, which is, technically, a ROM editor too. Not to say that before, a guy nicknamed sergi, who is a host of Raregame.ru, hacked this game BEFORE the editor came out, right into three versions. Sadly, the only way you could play these by now is to buy the reproduction cartridge with the hack. So, if you ARE a die-hard fan of Dune, keep your moneypig save and sane.

***

I will admit this port is awesome and that they've left the charm of the PC version, but let me return to where I have started the review: Herzog Zwei has the features that Dune: The Battle for Arrakis doesn't. So that's what basically OUGHT to be fixed in Dune so it technically would be par with Herzog Zwei. It needs more soundtrack. It needs the flexible password system. It needs bigger unit limitation. It needs the split-screen versus mode. The animation of troops shouldn't be that choppy. The AI should be less dumb. All that Dune managed to push into one megabyte is nothing compared to Herzog's success at fitting all this into 512 kilos, counting that it had different kinds of terrains. No, I don't say that Dune also needs to have the terrains other than desert, because the sands are the blood of entire Duniverse, that's in the canon. And it doesn't need the same kind of indirect controlling as Herzog at all. But, if they would fix all the problems I listed above, this port would be far more than superior to the PC version... Sadly, it's just a good game. Nostalgic, but not flawless.

BOTTOM LINE:
That was a game that made the childhood of many happy owners of MegaDrives who lived in mid-90s before the invasion of PlayStation in ex-USSR kids' houses... It even made Dune 2000 on it obsolete because of how terrible this thing was. But I swear, even such a good port could be much better that. It IS a masterpiece, but if you look more carefully, you may accidently find Herzog Zwei more perfect than this, sorry about mentioning this game all over again.

P.S. Okay, I made a little ad above, when I was talking about the map editor. Anyways, if you're interested in getting it, contact me anytime (warning you that I have not created the program, SEGAMAN did).

SCREENSHOT TIME!

Yet another shiny new title screen. You gotta love the intro (even if you can't skip it).

The ropes are REALLY easy to teach, but in any case, you should learn a couple or two of extra commands!

The mentat screen now looks creepier, huh?

Paparazzi paparazzi.

Attacking an Ordos base. Too bad I can't capture it right now - MAX UNIT LIMIT!

Harvesters at work.

[NES] Super 64-in-1 Harry's Legend

2010-08-13T15:40:00.000+02:00

CONSOLIDATION OF Super 64-in-1 Harry's Legend

No, it's not a review, but rather something I made to test my capture card. It's more like of first glance or else...

The title 'Consolidation' came out because I... well... I didn't want to continue the long list of the videos starting with 'Let's...' (not only 'Let's Play').

A friend of my sister had this thingie, so big thanks for giving it to me (and no, he doesn't have e-mail or anything. In fact, my sis and him are no more friends, so...)!

Anyways, enjoy!

[PS] Quarantine

2010-08-13T14:54:00.000+02:00

Quarantine [Hard Rock Cab]

Genre: racing+FPS

PC/developer: Imagexcel

PC/publisher: GameTEK

PS/developer/publisher: Asmik

Year of release: 1994

Players: 1

Media: 1 CD-ROM

Slots on Memory Card: 1

Additional peripherals supported: none, sadly

Oh men, I haven't played a good dystopian setting game for a really long time... And notice, not the setting where 'an alien force or an atomic explosion menaces our Mother Earth and the human remains should keep the material remains all right', no, that's postapocalyptic. To explain you, why this is dystopian, lemmie explain it to you with a simple example. Every time you get from the bed (after hearing a LOUD honk, of course), you see a large projector screen with the Hilterish face shown on and the catchy title below: BIG BROTHER WATCHES YOU. Or, imagine yourself waking up in your own taxi cab after your own alarm clock signals. You take a quick bite of your own hamburger, prepare your own Uzis and get back to your own job... illegal job that instanly makes you the most wanted not only among few adequate persons (in good point) but also among these Omnicorp patrol bastards (exactly at the same meaning you thought before).
Because, as the motto says, driving a cab in this city is a murder.
Drake Edgewaters got exactly into the same shit. Before he was forced to ride on the edge, he had everything: money, loving wife, adorable children, a nifty lofty house in KEMO City (don't let the eastern feeling of this word fool you, KEMO is actually an imaginary twin of Detroit City)... But Gates seemed that he had to move to any save alpine place afterwards. Crime. That's what both KEMO and Detroit had shared in Quarantine and Robocop universe. The current heads of KEMO were so stupid that they just kept the chaos growing. No need to have a degree in politics to predict that this government was thrown into Carribean to be the dinner for sharks and was replaced with a new party represented by Omnicorp.
Like Prince John, Omnicorp indeed did something useful to prevent the chaos breaching into other cities, but their dictatorship just wanted to see the chaos growing. They merely fortified all five parts of the cities (and lead the town into quarantine mode, hence the name). The borders are sealed. The only thing that would make you come through is the password demanded from Omnicorp that required a *little fee* from you. Weirdly, despite you were criminal or not, OC gives it to you anyways.
Talking about the mysterious schizo virus that made about 60% of the population maniacs kept progressing without any reaction from OC itself. Well, yeah, they promised that they will make a cure that will be applied to every citizen. Still, it actually won't heal anyone. It will terminate the illness just like it will terminate everyone. Why? Well, that's the point of the game. Survive, blaze through all this hell, recover the cure and dispose of it! I'm not going to spoiler this time, guess what it will be.

***

Ride you cab, find the customers, deliver them save and sane (and OH, fast), get greenbucks. That will be the thing you'll do most of the time. Didn't I mention you get a lot of green bucks from only one customer? I mean, A REAL LOT. They will propose you ANY price, just in hope you deliver them savely. For them, of course. But, $875 for just one-minute ride is not really a little price, ain't it?
After all, that price is just enough to patch your car from inside to outside. The risks are pretty high, however. One reeeeaaaaally damaging run (especially on long distance) may end up with outcome of all your prey spent on ammo refill and armor repair.
Technically, it is what you would call Doom clone if you would live in mid-90... but with an attitude! Where Quarantine really worked is in popularizing the blend of FPS and racing games (not sure if it was born at the same time), which was later simplified to just taxi arcade game by such well-known project like Crazy Taxi and a lot of its' budget ripoffs the names of which I always forget. To be honest, however, I always found Quarantine more fun in gameplay features than Crazy Taxi. Sure, Crazy Taxi, as well as it's sequel, wasn't 2,5D, featured more bright locations, pumpy soundtrack... But, you know, both these games were originally made for the arcades and adopted to the arcades by default, so that says everything. Timer is enabled not only when you carry a passenger, but also when you are currently looking for him. Also, considering that the main visitors of the arcades are teens, this series were pretty tolerant in violence. You couldn't really kill stuff, only push it with your cab...
...while Quarantine actually had a lot of methods to KILL stuff, ANY stuff. It didn't really cared about the teen rating as it was one of those games that made violence fun (NOT REAL LIFE VIOLENCE DAMMIT!! Despite one of the game designers actually dreamed of riding taxi the same rad way when he was doing some crisis money... And used his dreams in this game. Remember kids, videogames help to prevent RL murders!). Cars, cabs, pedestrains, future customers, maniac killers, random grannies - all to get rid of your thirstiness for destruction. The level of violence is always compared with GTA4 series, with the latter being FAILing against this gamie. While in GTA4, the people you made suffer became fully dead after some heavy weaponry, in The Big Q, they ALWAYS SQUISHSQUASH, which can't be unfun, I swear... Unless it makes you puke.
There are a lot of methods to pull the infinite population of KEMO City down, but all they may be split into three categories: 'use your arsenal, let them boom' (with the most variations available) and 'be a tank, smash it apart'. There is a third category, however, which is really fun but rarely used: 'low on time? take him away!'. That works with the passengers only; when you see that you DEFINITELY can't deliver him or her in time, you simply eject the seat and hear your customer dying. Could be morbid in real life, but it's just a game, where there are still lotsa customers, right?
The soundtrack. Ahem... Well, it was one of the first games to use the soundtrack not made for the game specifically, no. Instead, it used lotsa songs made by random Australian alternative rock bands! About how it made the OST awesome... Flatout OST SURE was bigger and better, but the age of Quarantine actually makes me tolerable on its' music. So, it was really cool for its' times. Still is, but, personally, I find most of these ten tracks 'backgroundish'. What I really love there, however, is the authors' pick for track one: 'Berlin Wall'. That's the great choice to start the game with, while the latter tracks just keep the atmosphere pumped. In fact, that's why I called these 'backgroundish'. And now, sorry guys, honestly sorry, but I need to make myself into writing the next paragraphs... [sings] I'm the one who says it... the one who says it's... TRUE!...

***

So yeah, when this thingie became localized in Japan, it was renamed to Hard Rock Cab for some reason. But, for your information, for some really weird reason the same game was released in Japan under TWO names: Hard Rock Cab on PS and Death Throttle on 3DO. Okay, I find this plain stupid.
...and I'm still laughing on how they have left the original 'Quarantine' title where you usually start the game (WELCOME TO QUARANTINE. PRESS KEY TO START. Notice: not 'Hard Rock Cab').
So how the port feels like? Ehrm, I guess that you wouldn't expect that, but... PC perfect. Apart from Japanese text in dialogues, controlling it WITHOUT keyboard (obviously) and, last but not least green blood (whad-da-fuck?). Every scream from the original is here. Every single texture is on its' place... couldn't imagine that they would be able to fit a game that requires 4MB RAM from your old comp into a console that has only 2. Yay!
Control-wise, it's like Duke Nukem Total Meltdown. Two simple-to-understand control schemes which can be a bit messy when you're in the game. These got 'check'. But. To my frustration, this game doesn't feature the support of Dual Shock, which, considering that you still don't feel how you CRASH into the wall, how your car receives a heavy BADABOOM, how your car DRIFTS (in fact, it turns as slight as Doomguy from his heavily-awarded game) and you don't feel how your car, after it thrusts up, LANDS on the ground. This game would be simply perfect (yet still not for anyone) if not only these. When you crash into the wall, actually, you literally feel yourself like a ball in the pinball machine. These were on PC, these were deported to the PS. Oh ass... I wish the vibration feature would be here.
Another not-so-good feature that was deported directly from the original (I'll list it and end the review) is that, well... is that when you have a passenger, you usually get the compass that points to the destination area, but even with it, you may end up trying to arc the large wall (not a building unless it's really long) without any proper results, which ends up in catapulting your passenger away. There is a minimap, however, and it really helps if you get into such situations. Also, it's more accurate than compass, but there is a big problem: the fade in/out time is kinda long. It seems to be eternity when you try to use the minimap a lot. So, using compass makes you lost while using minimap slows the gameplay down.
Overall, I told you absolutely nothing about the port itself but rather listed all the major problems that the original game had (as well as the port). But in any case, I guess you will be really amused if you'll hear that... the PS version has no slowdowns. At all. Doom had. Hexen had. Duke Nukem Total Meltdown had. But this runs as smoothly as a feather! Guys, am I smoking something?
Oh, and you may save almost EVERYWHERE by using only one slot of memory card. you will hardly meet any game that saves this way, I swear.

BOTTOM LINE:
Basically, I don't have much to say. Quarantine is not a game for everyone. But, if you're the man who liked this game, then this port should be on your shelf. Of course, it has no extras at all to be superior to the PC original, but technically, you'll rarely ever meet a port like this. I pray for Asmik. Period.

SCREENSHOT TIME!

Ehrm, wasn't that Alternative Rock? Anyways, pretty kickass title.

Pretty enough for a game like that.

AND THEY HAVE LEFT THE ORIGINAL TITLE! Wow.

This screenshot has a feeling of like you're riding on the territory of an airport.

...ack, Japanese.

Squishing zombies is fun. And only try to disagree with me!!

[NES] Magical Rockman (hack of Krion Conquest)

2010-08-08T10:00:00.000+02:00

ANNOUNCEMENT OF Magical Rockman (hack of Krion Conquest) REVIEW

You may wonder where is the review text?
HERE YOU GO.
We reviewed it cooperatively with Zera-san (I could review it with Indy too, but he was completely tired out that time). The design he made for the review was a bit messy, but the review itself was such a comedy... ah well, go see it yourself.
We'll do more coops sooner, I promise. And if you didn't liked this one, the others will be even better.

EDIT: Indy's video footage for this hack got an honor, woo!

ONCE MORE: Achieved 60% in C&C Red Alert Retaliation (as Allied). I did much, huh?

TESTING WITH FIRE...

Another footage made by Indy, before he got his TV exploded. Enjoy while it lasts.

[PS] Hexen: Beyond Heretic

2010-08-07T18:43:00.000+02:00

Hexen: Beyond Heretic

Genre: FPS
PC/developer: Raven
PC/PS/publisher: GT Interactive Software
PS/developer: Probe Limited
Year of release: 1997
Players: 1
Media: 1 CD-ROM
Slots on Memory Card: 15
Additional peripherals supported: none, sadly

As a kid who loved both Doom and Heretic, I really loved Hexen as well. Yes, it was kinda darker and more complicated in gameplay than its' predcessor, but I understood it SHOULD BE that way. I have been always wondering what 4th weapon does every class have, what are the secrets in this game, loved the pre-final-boss episode in the graveyards (and Zedek, Traductus and Menelkir boss fights as well) and even considered infinite Wings of Wrath to be a glitch of sorts... And guess what, I still like it.
So, when I heard about Hexen being ported to PlayStation, my eyes started to shine, literally. After watching some videos on YouTube that cover this port, my hopes on seeing a good port became evaporated, but even with that, I've finally downloaded it from Rom Hustler. And started playing through it. Even if I understood that the port was a complete shit. So why didn't I tried to beat the N64 port? Maybe because the N64 pad is more complicated in usage than the PS one? Ah, screw it.

***

For those who completely forgot WTH is going on,a short recap of the story so far. So Corvus, the elven protagonist of the prequel, killed one of the Serpent Riders, D'Sparil, another Serpent Rider named Korax started to terrorize the world of Hexen. The only thing I actually don't get is how Korax may ride on the serpents when HE IS A SERPENT... Doesn't that look pointless, huh? Oh well, back on topic. So, the inhabitants of Hexen live under tyranny of The Legion, The Church and The Arcanum, each led by Zedek, Traductus and Menelkir respectively. One creepy night, these men decide to make a deal with Korax who promised to give them incredible powers in change of their lives (so they would be almighty zombies, sort of), and therefore, make life in Hexen even worse. The new protagonists, Baratus (fighter), Parais (cleric) and Daedalon (mage) dedicated their next hours of life to dispose of all four villains and become the owners of Serpent Riders' Hemisphere, an ancient relic that allows to decide the fate of any world existing in the Universe.
As you can see, the plot is nothing really special, but you know, that was only a warmup. The level design, the atmosphere, well, EVERYTHING is in spirit. THIS kind level of level design will never get out of your memory if you love it (compared to Wolf3D and Blake Stone levels which were exciting to play but not really memorable in their structure); I still remember how that goddamn Menelkir's tomb looks like, even if I haven't played it for months!..
But, to be honest, this is only a supporting factor. The most unique thing I distingushed from the other 'Doom clones' I had as a kid is that the gameplay itself tries to go, at least, a bit farther from your regular Doom clone (now, by the context, it's needed to leave this without quotes). Mostly by popularizing so-called 'RPG elements' which are popping up nearly in every single new blockbuster game (and the latest one that used them (kinda) wisely was S.T.A.L.K.E.R.). Three character classes, armor points, hub system a-la Spyro the Dragon (one 'home' level, several sublevels, plus a secret one in each of five chapters (except the prologue and epilogue)), puzzle solving, freqeuent usage of mana - these are, perhaps, all the RPG elements included in the game, which doesn't, however, distract you from the main point of the game - killing stuff. And solving puzzles, of course. These two will take most of your time when you play this. And the balance between 'kill-solve', unlike Heretic, goes more to the right than the left this time... But not that much. What? Oh, I hear. Wanna mess up with bloody stuff, huh. Pleasure. Set the Nightmare skill level before you start and you will not only be unable to stop your blood boiling, but also you won't get the puzzles solved that easily, thanks to the traditional massive respawns.
Puzzles, by the way, may not be that easy as you progress, but most of the time you just have to do what you are supposed to do in this chapter. Just to fill the holes, spoiler time. First chapter - just follow into the opened portal doors and pull all three required switches. Second - pull SIX switches this time, but only to activate the sealed doors that lead to the boss. Third - collect all the gem planets, apply all of them on the astrological board, fight the badguy. Fourth - exactly the same, only this time you collect gears to make the castle clock work. Fifth - fight three menaces of Hexen and, in case of victory, unseal the passageway to The Ultracheap Badass Final Boss Of This Game - Mister George Bush. No-no-no, kidding. Korax himself, what else were you thinking?
Classes. Probably my #1 favourite gameplay feature in the entire game. As said above, there are three classes in this game, all throughoutly balanced (but most pick the mage for some weird reason. They miss Heretic or else?). What's even more interesting, not only physical characteristics and weapons are different in each class, but the usage of several inventory items too! Let's take the most widespread one, that may be used as an alternate weapon, flechette, a bottle with green, yucky and poisonous liquid inside, for an example. Baratus is the fastest, consumes the least mana (and it case if it ends, the weapons may be used as melee ones) and has the biggest resistance against enemies' hits. One problem: his first truly long-range machine of chaos comes under number three. Him using flechettes as grenades may compensate this a bit, still... Parais is a golden middle between the other two classes in EVERYTHING. Speed, strength, weaponry... Yeah, about weaponry: he gets the first long-range weapon under slot number two and his flechettes are used to actually POISON the enemies. You know, the green clouds look no good. And are no good, which is good for us against the brainless monsters. As for Daedalon, he owns the coolest weapons in the game, indeed. For a starter, he gets a wand that may hurt the dumbies even on really big distances, albeit very poorly. But afterwards, he will be able to freeze everything in sight and even throw thunders (really effective against centaurs who block with their shields like fighting game turtles); his flechette appeal actually marks the cameo appearence of the timebombs from Heretic, the sequel! But! Despite this coolness, he's so physically weak... He walks as slow as Momo's turtle rides a bicycle made in good ol' USSR for kids with a hydropump engine placed behind! And he's the weakest in health among all the classes. So, as you see, the perfect balance. Everyone is good and everyone is bad at the same time. Make yer pick, gentlemen.
Talking about goodies returning from Hexen, I guess that I would give a pair of words to this too. Like, you still may turn your haters into... no, not chicken, this time you would mash them for a barbecue. Pigs, what else were you expecting... Also. Chaos Device is back, but now, it doesn't transport you back to the start in case if you get grounded (Banishment Device now does this), but rather pushes the legion, that is about to slash you apart, aback. Needless to say, it's now a more freqeuent item to run into.
And now about what you won't find in Heretic. Obviously, this game has three BFGs and all they look awesome, but before you start seeding death everywhere, you ought to collect three part of your future work instrument. But again, this show is really worthy to look at, ain't it, boys?
Okay, I told everything that's worth knowing about this game if you haven't tried it yet. And if you haven't done it yet, give it a shot, no matter if you will like it or not.
What I find weird, however, is that unlike his big brother, Hexen was officially ported on consoles, including the first PlayStation. Alas, while the creators of Saturn and N64 actually did made a really decent adaptation, Probe (the creators of really good ports of MK1&2, including really smoothly programmed MK2 for the PS) decided to move this into cash projects. Hence the quality.

***

One question to Probe. I know that the RAM constrants of PlayStation really suck, but hey, DO YOU GUYS CALL THESE GRAPHICS? This actually looks EXACTLY like Doom on Super Nintendo, plus floor/ceiling textures and bigger screen resolution. That's it. The one-sided enemy sprites, pixelated textures and screen area are still here. And don't tell me that it's the console which can't afford more juicy graphics than this. Otherwise, take a look at Doom again, but on the PS this time. Freezy framerate, the illness of almost every FPS classic ported to these times' consoles, is still here, but Williams actually managed to retain all the textures and enemies (sans Archvile, sadly), plus every enemy is covered with sprites for all 8 sides! So sorry, but your Hexen deliberately fails at this attempt and has nothing that this port has. But what's more interesting, the turning and the physics are EXACTLY the same as in the SNES Doom, which is making things just ridiculous as hell (I would keep talking about Williams and Probe messing up with BOTH Mortal Kombat and classic FPSes and ending up with having ridiculously same results, but you know, that'll be just pointless trash talking, so moving on).
In addition to really poor graphics, you may also notice that the dark fog has been added on every level. To my knowledge, such thing is implemented into modern games to put some more emphasis into atmosphere and cover the not-so-graphics away from your eyes. But c'mon! The graphics are already piece of junk so nothing would be really hidden, huh? Also, this fog is so useless that it even hampers when you, for example, are fighting the second boss. Thanks to the fog and pixelated screen, you can barely see from where this flying fucker throws fireballs! Therefore, you're unable to save Wings of Wrath for this run. Crammit.
From what this port really suffers as well, is from re-e-e-a-ally ba-a-ad programming and several enemy/platform replacements. Like, in the original version, your character will make a 'buh' sound if you stand in front of the wall and press the 'Use' button. In the PS port, he will buh every time you press 'Use', even if you don't stand in front of the wall (in clunky fashion of SNES Doom, AGAIN). And yes, they have managed to fuck the balance up. Fighter's gauntlet usually killed that two-headed dimwit, ettin, in 3 hits. Now it takes SIX hits to finish him up, the fighter just throws his fist A LITTLE BIT faster. Okay, Probe, I don't get this 'new addition'. How could you come up with such a stupid idea?!
For the replacements, let's give Darkmere a look. Originally, there were black statues holding 'firedishes', sort of. Here, they are replaced with three torches. It would be okay if those could be hanged on walls only, but later on, when I see the same torches 'flying' in the air...
Enemy replacements. For some unknown reason, the Seven Portals has all the serpents removed, leaving centaurs to mess up with. No, serpents ARE in the game, but only brown ones. Greenies are nowhere to be found, even on Light Crucible which had both types just in one level. Oh c'mon, what's wrong with you assholes? It's a fucking palette swap, goddammit!
All the sounds are on their places, thankfully, but the music... the music... well, for some reason (YET AGAIN) they reconverted the music into redbook quality, therefore, leaving only 1/3 of the original soundtrack alive. Aw damn, couldn't you use the privileges of XA so I shouldn't listen the Seven Portals theme on Shadow Woods and miss one of my favourite themes, Zedek's Tomb, huh?
This version has very, very neat (I'm not kidding) FMVs, but sadly, no matter which class you'll pick, it will always show the mage. Damn, will you ever stop me swearing? Were you unable to XA all the music and waste a bit more time on rendering same cutscenes with the remaining two characters?
Loading times. Well, these are okay, since every level loads in 10 seconds, but the saving times... I bet you don't want to wait thirty seconds while your game saves. Yeah, I counted. Thirty. It may look like nothing on words, but on practice, it feels like eternity. By the way. Wanna know why it takes thirty seconds? Well, the entire savegame occupies the whole memory card, all 15 blocks (compared to Duke Nukem Total Meltdown's 3-6 blocks). Awwwwwww, do I need to have EVERYTHING I've done logged? You don't need these dead bodies in any case since you can't do anything with them, why remembering their positions then? Can you simply store the puzzle progress sequence in just one or two bytes instead of remembering every switch, item and weapon I interacted with?! What the fucking fuck where you thinking, Probe?!!

***

Now there's no need to continue listing all the major fuckups done with this port. You already understand that it's just plain lame and looks and behaves like SNES Doom in many ways. All what was excusable for a 16-bit console will never go well with 32-bit one. So... the review is over?
Hee-hee, not yet. There is at least one good point in this thing. Controls. There, you may choose one of about twenty control mappings (compared to the same DNTM's three schemes) for your comfort. But where the comfort really ends is the use of 'shift' and 'inventory' buttons, you just gotta get used to them. While holding 'inventory' doesn't really do anything but switches the items with left and right on your D-Pad, the Shift button... Well, by holding it, you may change weapons (there is no reverse weapon tracking, however... and they swap as fast as in Serious Sam on the XBOX), use the items, look up or down and ascend or descend in case if you use Wings of Wrath. While the first two functions won't be a real bother, the remaining ones, apart from being rarely used, are just komp-lee-kei-t'd. Like, you wanna fly up. All you gonna do is to hold Shift + Jump + Up (almost said Ctrl + Alt + Delete, wow). And now imagine that a lot of serpents are attacking you from the ground. And that you're playing on hardest difficulty. They sure will burn your alter-ego's skin up before you press all the required buttons, for sure.
Plus, among all the level replacements, there is a good one, after all. Do you remember Korax appearing on the wall when a new chapter was about to begin? Well, now this wall doesn't disappear so cheaply, instead, it quickly scrolls down making a loud clang afterwards Now that's the thing that should be implemented into PC Hexen...
As I said at the very beginning of the review, I started playing through this version. And guess what, I made it to chapter three, Heresiarch's Seminary (a.k.a. Monastery)! So why couldn't I do that on the original Hexen? Why do I load up the ISO of this crapling into pSX emulator instead?! Why do I see all this pixelated mess that's called 'mawnstarz' again and again but keep moving the storyline on?!!
...these are the questions I would never find answers to.
Anyways, bottom line.

BOTTOM LINE:
Considering that PlayStation was a more affordable console than SEGA Saturn or Nintendo 64, this port indeed had potential. But none of it has been pushed forward. No optimization at all, crappy design, even more crappy programming... And that's Probe, the guys who made some really decent Mortal Kombat ports! I may give them a credit on leaving all the levels in their original order (unlike Doom for the same console), but OH MA GAWD, how much have they suffered... The only reason you have to download this port (neither buy, nor rent, only download - they haven't deserved their loaf of bread this time) is kickass FMVs. Otherwise, if you can't stand its' B-sides quality, beware of this thingie. It's cheaply done, after all.

P.S. Some may say that I have overloaded this review with mentioning yet too much other classic FPSes, mostly Doom for Super Nintendo. My fault. But still, why can't I let myself say that it's technically worse than all the stuff I told about above?!
P.P.S. Also, my longest review so far. I mean, sixteen kilobytes of pure text?! Doubtin' that you have read the whole thing entirely...

SCREENSHOT TIME!

Zedek before he orders an execution.

So far, it looks accurate... so far.

Korax's dirty face.

Frankly, even with such amount of enemies the game keeps the same framerate!

This damn guy takes six hits instead of three now. WHY?!!

'WHERE IS THE SERPENT?!' - ''He told me to kill you while he's out...'

You got video. (filler)

2010-08-05T18:34:00.000+02:00

Thanks to my brother-in-arms, Indy, I just got the footage of ZX Spectrum Dr. Mario. Crappy, but enough for you let ya find the ROM. Have fun!

Hexen is almost finished. Only four paragraphs left+cover.

GONE?! (filler)

2010-08-03T16:03:00.000+02:00

Have to rewrite more than the half of Hexen (PS) review. For no reason, I suddenly got 2 kilos of text instead of 7.

GAAAAAWWWWDD WWWHHHHAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII???? That's TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE.

Another addition to a terrible day (caught fever, have to be in bed for entire day, waiting for sister to bring me pizza from her friend's BD, and now THIS).

EDIT: The day was terrible. The evening is good actually d:P

[ZX] Doctor Mario

2010-08-02T10:36:00.000+02:00

Doctor Mario

Genre: puzzle game

NES/developer/publisher: Nintendo

ZX/developer: Romantic Warriors

Year of release: 199?

Players: 1

Media: 5-inch floppy disk

Additional peripheral supported: Kempston joystick, Sinclair joystick, Sinclair II joystick

Today, we're gonna do a thing which is an opposite to our regular program. I previously reviewed the computer-to-console games, but for this run, I'll do a console-to-computer port. What's really nice, however, is that this port is obscure (and this actually follows the rules) - that's one, and that the computer is not your regular PC that every teenager owns at home, but something that an ordinary guy used to own long ago, ZX Spectrum - that's two. Just imagine: a little keyboard box which is supposed to be an 8-bit computer working with regular cassette tapes as a method of data storage got such a large and smart fanbase that it actually has more quality homebrew software than NES does. Possibly, that may be because of the usage of BASIC rather than assembler for writing the code and stuff, but that's not the topic of our today's discussion, no.
The fanbase was SO freaking huge that some guys did excellent ports and remakes (NOT romhacks) of their faved games. So there, we've got Dizzy X, Battle City, numerous Mortal Kombat games, demos of Dune and Warcraft, a newly-released Wolfenstein... I sure would keep listing all of this stuff but I definetly know you haven't actually seen this one!
And I know why you haven't. No words about it on Wikipedia (obviously), not even a symbol on it on any ZX Spectrum community I've ever seen (which IS unexpected now) and no proper results when googling for this thing. The only site that owns the floppy image of this game I know is Emu-Land.net (latest version of UMKT may be downloaded there as well, just make sure you have someone or something that knows Russian), under the name 'Doctor Mario' (not Dr.!). But, since it's mine and Indy's (my mate) deed to introduce you to old forgotten (without being deserved it) stuff that may make your eyes pop. Shall we start dancing?
So, the title says everything. It's a NES classic (sometimes noobishly considered to be just a mere clone of Columns which is itself a clone of Tetris) ported to ZX by one person entirely (except for the music, we'll talk about it later). Apparently, this recreation was made by a Belorussian dude nicknamed Brodyaga (may be translated as 'roamer') who was a member of a little ZX programming team called Romantic Warriors. Judging by the intro text he left, he does some mistakes in his Russian, and doesn't know English that good (i.e. writes 'Buy!' instead of 'Bye!'), but his recreation of Doctor Mario is just excellent... and ZXish at it's best, I think.
So meet a fresh new game of Doc Sigma... Brrrrrrr, I mean DOCTOR MARIO! Woohoo!

***

Not really much is required for such a game to run, just a mere 128K ZX machine, a floppy disk driver and, if possible, a Kempston or Sinclair pad, that's it! Why 128K? Well, because you won't be able to hear that gorgeous music, of course! It sure has nothing to do with the original BUT there are three completely new themes to choose from (I said 'themes', not 'tracks' because the NES game had victory/game over jingles while the port plays the 'overworld' music all the time). And don't be scared at these tracks' weird names, because these are... these are not track names, these are the names of artists who done them. Brodyaga himself made a tranquilizing tune in the loader screen while KSA, KLAV and KENT made music for the gameplay process itself. I know very little, a'mean, NOTHING about the last two guys, but KSA... oooh... From all what I know, he replaced the original Treasure Island Dizzy's soundtrack with Castlevania's, when this game game was translated to Russian and even did a little tetris game himself (we'll take a look at it A LOT later, guys). So here's the proof that these are not track names.
Every tune in this game is just overstacked with awesomeness and nostalgia, so they may get boring after a loooooong while, I swear. Seriously, every time I hear these tracks, I recall those silent evenings I spent at my grandma's as a kid (she still lives at the same place, but I visit her without enjoying Dennis the Menace and other stuff I don't want to list here, sadly)... Okay, why am I telling all that to you? Go listen them and judge yourself.
OH and the gameplay. The gameplay remains pretty much the same as in the original, there's only one little problem... The controls. No, they're pretty easy to get over with, but, pretty much like in 99% percent of ZX games, they are laggy. No matter if you're a wannabe spectrumer or if you've beaten Dizzy, like, 9000 times, ALWAYS set the lowest speed. The ending won't change anyway.
There's one new mode, however. If you think of Dr. Mario as a really easy game or if you're a real masochist, then this will be for you. Instead of killing viruses with regular three colors... you'll have seven. You'll be messing with five useless microbes like there would be thirty of them. There would be even more useless pill garbage which you'll be barely able to clean up, so this mode is recommended for REAL VETERANS.
Aside from Spectrum control syndrome, this game is not that hard to beat. Especially on final levels where viruses get COMPLETELY random placement in the jar... which means that there will be a couple or two self-destructing rows.
Another slight difference is that Chill, Fever and Weird won't get hit or even disappear, but who really gives it a shit.
Talking about additional stuff. You also gotta love Dr. Mario when the level is finished. 'YESSSSS!' And the flashing Locks LEDs, through it has been an old tradition for a game to have the LEDs flashing in rhythm with the music, heh?

BOTTOM LINE:
That is the port that truly has the 'overlooked' status. Why? No idea. In any case, you have to give this little game a shot. The graphics are too simple, but that's Spectrum. The controls are not always responsive, but that's Spectrum again (in fact, I know games on this computer that have even more sticky keys than there). There are custom chiptunes instead of Hirokazu Tanaka's NES music classics, but that may be a nice break from the soundtrack that everyone knows, counting that ZX chiptunes tend to be awesome. So, all in all, it may be simply treated like a new superfresh look on Dr. Mario. No more, no less.

Crash Nicker

SCREENSHOT TIME!

Shiny new intro screen.

Whatever happens, ALWAYS pick the lowest speed.

Wait... That's NOT LEVEL 000001! I started on level 10, for sure...

7-color mode in all its' masochistic glory.

Mario says 'No.' while Dr. Mario says 'YEEEEES!'

Ending. 'You have beaten all the viruses. The Romantic Warriors team congratulates you with this. See you in our next games!' To be honest, this is the ONLY game I've seen from them.

TESTING WITH FIRE...

The footage is done by Indy Starry, Mr. Pantless Alien, yay! Glad he liked this game too. And yes, I asked him to make a footage. Of course, it's not that really informative (plus, a bit glitchy, our team has crappy comps, yay), but you'll get the idea of what it looks like.

POTW Archive

2010-07-30T12:59:00.004+02:00

From today, I add a new feature to the blog: phrase of the week, which I'm going to stuff with random funny one-liners, for fun & profit.

ARCHIVE:

26/07/2010: 'Are you sure that 'No' will be your last word?' - 'No.'

02/08/2010: 'They'll bury you in a lunchbox!' (C) Rise of the Triad

09/08/2010: 'You look like a gay cowboy.' - 'And you look like a gay terrorist.' (C) Top Gear

16/08/2010: 'NOW SINTS IN LOAD OF GARAS IN SOM SUNGER!' (C) Random childhood phrase

19/08/2010: 'There's no better weapon to defeat time than... time.'

31/08/2010: 'Never mind about the wine. Where is the beer?' (C) Serious Sam Next Encounter

07/09/2010: '... GIVE! FOOD!' (C) SpaceNinja88+PanAnning's LP of Bao Quin Tian
13/09/2010: 'HA HA VERY EASY CONGRATION' (C) Cony's Street Fighter II.
20/09/2010: 'Laund Bun! Lady... GO!' (C) Kng of Fighters '98... and pretty much XII.
28/09/2010: 'And seems like that video didn't really help. Men, do most of the users subscribe just for kicks?' - 'Pretty much. Or that 'Sub 4 Sub' rap... It's like DA. People comment on crappy, MS Paint drawings.' - 'Damn, where the world is going... Now I really believe in what should have theorethically happened in 2012.' (C) Me and Indy.
11/10/2010: 'Question. How do you call this?' - 'How do I call it?' - 'Yesh. All I see is a scrappy this-gen Sonic fan who can't even do reviews properly. What do YOU think?' - 'That's what I see. Plus, he sounded like he was drugged. It's like how I heard it. "Ah like Mario karts and tourment fighters.... This game sucks...."' - 'Also, mah comment [on the video page]. And I am the first to ditch this video. MEN, WHO WATCHES THIS? SCRAPPY THIS-GEN SONIC FANS?!' - 'Pretty much.' (C) Me and Indy again
21/10/2010: 'DIE JOB DEATH CAR? (Daijobu desu ka - Are you OK) (C) Sodom

[MD] Commandos

2010-07-29T18:22:00.000+02:00

Commandos: Behind the Enemy Lines

Genre: stealth-action

PC/developer: Pyro Studios

PC/publisher: Eidos

MD/developer: Dragon Co.

MD/publisher: New Game, most likely...

Year of release: 1998

Players: 1

Media: 2 MB cartridge, SEGA MegaDrive compatible

Additional peripherals supported: SMDII joypad

Okay, you may say your one-liners now: 'Why is this game is reviewed in a blog that actually reviews the console ports of PS games? This game has no console port at all!' Well, I'm not going to rush at you but the actual reason I'm writing this article is that Commandos: Behind the Enemy Lines actually got a console port. No kidding, because I'm gonna show it to you right now. Wanna know on which platform it is? SEGA Genesis/MegaDrive! Gyaaaaah.
Of course, many of you would probably start digging a Wikipedia article on this game, glance through the platform list, then stare at me and say: 'NO IT'S WRONG!' But what I'm gonna tell you now is that... Wikipedia covers only the official list of platforms. The MD version is a mere bootleg. In other words, a pirate original. Didn't see THAT coming, huh?
Instantly, after reading this paragraph, you're starting to guess on who made this game. Well... obviously... Chinese? But when you look at the screenshots, another thought will be stuck in your head... RUSSIAN. But actually, every average, for example, Englishman or American will think that way because he will see symbols that really-really-really resemble the Russian ones on the screenshots. How would a Russian guy think about it? Well, he simply reads out all the briefing text and finds out that this game's Russian suffers from:
1) not really regular word order;
2) lots of grammatical mistakes in the words;
3) using the feminine adjectives all the time (like if the first word in a phrase 'German army' was feminine and the second one was masculine. Pointless, ain't it?).
So, we see that a regular Russian guy couldn't make such a fucking huge of typos and mistypos, so it's possibly Chinese who made it. Also, additional trivia: this game's Russian suffers as badly as in another good pirate port, Barver Battle Saga, which was rehashed into Final Fantasy 5 (which itself is nothing else than a redrawn title and lotsa dialogues translated crappily).
So we got into the fact that this port came from China. But who ACTUALLY made it? I may say it now. Dragon Co made it. Is that enough? NO?! Okay, let me bother with expanding this article so it would have 1000 more symbols.

***

Okay, about who the hell is Dragon Co. A little group of bucaneer developers that started making their own games for the famiclones. The lead programmer of this gang was Tommy Xie a.k.a. TomSoft, who made a little SDK for writing NES games, before the actual work on their creations. As a result, we get an ultracrappy Lion King 3: Timon & Pumbaa (first game, loosely based on the animated series with two latter characters), ultraturbocrappy Wait and See! (which has Warner's Bugs Bunny and 'Nu, Pogodi!'s mistranslated title, ultramegafuckingcrappy Tom & Jerry 3 (again, based on the cartoon, but on the series from Chuck Jones's era) and good-looking but still crappy in controlling Felix the Cat [by Dragon Co] (the particular episode with Gelie the Goose. Somehow works.). Anyways, somewhere around the new millenium, Tommy released another SDK, but this time, for doing MegaDrive games (get it HERE). And, actually, every single game compiled with the help of this thingie bears a 'TOMSOFT SDK' title in the header, so does our today's victim. You're not able to see Tommy Xie in the credits, however. But Li Meng, the guy who did 'music' for all the above listed Dragon Co games, 'did' the music for this game too. Second proof already, ahoy?
So, let's say that Commandos has been ported to MegaDrive by Dragon Co for ex-USSR audiences only (and that's the thing I'll probably never get) somewhere between the years 1998, when the PC version was released, and 2003, when this particular port was reviewed in the Great Dragon magazine.

***

Okay, Commandos on MegaDrive is not a really good idea.
But these guys did the impossible.
...After sacrificing a lot of stuff, of course. So let's see if it still works anyway.
Technically, it retains only five missions from the PC game, all the characters (apart from the driver) and, perhaps, most of the graphics and gameplay features. That's it. No saving ('mission select' disguised as a 'Load Game' menu is here instead). No dialogues. Several shortcuts present in the original are gone. Still, it's Commandos on the big screen which has some interesting stuff to mess up with though. It may be Commandos on a handheld too, if you waste some money and buy a Megadrive Portable with this cartridge or just load the ROM of it into PicoDrive, no matter if you have a PDA or PSP. And the lack of driver is not such a big deal anyway.
Interface. Pretty obvious change, because if in the PC version you had an inventory with 'backpack layouts', in the MD bootleg, you get a sidebar, similar to C&C on the PS. Also, you can't really activate the 'ray' which points the enemy's head position at the moment. No, it's still possible to see where they look, but only by looking at their pixelated heads. Be extremly careful when you try this port out!
Graphically, this port is tolerable... For a console like this, of course. There, we've got no zoom function or seamless animation, but yeah, you couldn't really expect more from Dragon Co. The only thing that really bothers me is that how in world Dragon Co managed to pick such a suitable color palette for the entire game, so it looks damn accurate to the PC original, even if MD could do really more than this. What you couldn't really expect from them is that there are even footsteps that every character leaves on the ground shown!
Controls are actually pretty easy for a game like this (worst part, however: no mouse support, even the bootleg one from these 'educational' systems): even if you don't have the SEGA MegaDrive II, it won't be a real problem to find the functions that are actually binded with X, Y and Z keys (grab the item, draw a pistol and get up/crouch respectively) on the sidebar. The only thing that will actually make even more problems is the cursor speed. Moving from one horisontal edge of the screen to another takes two seconds by default, but when you get a shitload of sprites on just one screen, this amount of time may increase to ten or more. Additionally, giving orders is fucked up. Like, you can't make a normal 'get there and kill the enemy' one-step scenario for your guys. INSTEAD, you do, like, order him to go there first and only then, you order him to kill an enemy. Will be a real bother, but sooner, you'll get on with it... Maybe.
With all the above factors (no saving, no head tracking thing, laggy controls, removed shortcuts) and one more: if any of your dudes gets killed, that automatically means you have to restart the mission you were playing! And this is on all five missions. The gameplay becomes just a pure trial-and-error experience, akin to the one in I Wanna Be The Guy (you don't have to restart the whole area or entire game in that case, however). The first mission won't be a bother if you know what to do. The rest will be a one big A.S.S., because, for example, in mission 2, you are forced to kill the convoy nearby the nazis' base if you don't want to get fucked up while in the original mission two, you just could get on the ladder and get into the base without killing anyone outside. MD version omits this shortcut for some unknown reason. Dragon Co. had no idea about it?
Additionally, the gun combat part is really fucked up there. If a nazi spots you, he'll kill you in 4 seconds. If you have got a pistol drawn already and if you'll start shooting at him repeatedly, be prepared to lose about 80% of your health. Explosive barrels sure do help, but if a barrel explodes and the soldier spots you at the same time, he'll start blowing you up and... 'Argh.' That's 30% off. Stupid pre-death lag, LAWL.
The game speed is kinda slower than in the PC version. Not only the characters move slower but the program itself lags like hell. From what we get it are REALLY huge maps and a lot of sprites on the screen (pretty similar to TomSoft's beta of Command & Conquer port. I'm still wondering if that mysterious Da Ne mentioned in credits IS Tommy Xie...). But okay, it's a mere MegaDrive which even wasn't able to replicate Populous II without little or just unbearable lagging, so that may be excusable, but the fact that the game LAGS is the fact. Especially with a lot of dead soldiers on one screen and with decoy sound bleeping.
Talking about the sound and music... Well, apart from the menu sound effect copied from the PC Commandos directly, neither of SFXs has anything to do with their original game's counterparts. The music, however, does, even if there are five looped 10-second digitized samples (in other words, mere extracts).

***

As for me, I have beaten the final mission of this game. Without beating the previous ones, of course. Just wanted to see the ending of the game.
I have disabled a lot of guards (especially ones inside the base with a simple decoy+dynamite trick performed nearby a black Volkswagen (or whatever it is), which created an ULTIMATE LAG... As well as ultimate death, 9 soldiers in one explosion.), blew the radars up, made the base completely desolated, stole the truck, messed up with controlling it, then got away, and... Stats screen. Got three stars for beating it. When I select the 'Next Mission', it just throws you to the... Title screen. My eyes became popped at that moment. No 'The End' screen, no credits, nothing! It just resets the game. Nevertheless, I give credit to the creators that they have put effort into porting Commandos to SUCH a weak console like MD. No kidding, this is their best creation ever. Period.

BOTTOM LINE:
Dragon Co took a really complex game to port. Lots of obvious flaws and annoyances there, but nevertheless, it's stealth action. Not your cheap platform gamie which have been (re)created over millions of times before. Dragon Co was a part of this process as well, creating a lot of cartoon-based platformers with fucked controls, but a strategy game is not what I have expected from these guys! And they've kept most of the stuff alive, what's really important. So, if you're looking for a really good unlicensed game for your MegaDrive, take Barver Battle Saga and this. Also, [pointless cursing mode on] if you think that 'those mothertrucker pirates' just CAN'T MAKE a good game, shut your fucking monkey ass up and stop treating this game like a douchebag. Go do something more useful, like, comparing two ports of Westwood's Lion King to the NES: licensed one by Dark Technologies and pirated one by Super Game, wontcha?

Crash Nicker

SCREENSHOT TIME!

Such a NICE title screen... spoiled by a Russian title below.

I use to laugh SO much at this Russhen.

And this.

Let's go heavy machinery!

Sin City coloring method makes this building look like an evil genius's lair...

...I swear, this mission has HORRIBLE difficulty... still haven't beaten it.

[PS] The Neverhood Chronicles

2010-07-26T16:57:00.000+02:00

The Neverhood Chronicles [Klaymen Klaymen: Neverhood no Nazon]

Genre: adventure game

PC/publisher: Microsoft

PC/developer: The Neverhood

PS/publisher/developer: Riverhillsoft

Year of release: 1998

Players: 1

Media: 1 CD-ROM

Slots on Memory Card: 1

Additional peripherals supported: DualShock, PS Mouse

I hate the gaming press when it comes to f***ing a product that IS great and that anyone actually wants to play to (take God Hand for instance). I just hate it. With passion. The Neverhood got into the same situation. Exactly the same.
It was a battle between the critics of GameSpot and the funkiness of the world of Neverhood… where the second got squished by a tank and received the score of 4,9 (When Skullmonkeys, a less amazing, but still charmful sequel got 5,0. WTF?). Okay, as you say, the story and puzzles might be weak there, but are they SO weak that you have to stomp it?
I still have a word for these guys to say…
WHY SO SERIOUS?!
AND YOU CALL IT BAD?!
Geesus Howard. I may understand it when a person didn’t really liked this game when he tried it only once, but seeing critics trying to beat A WHOLE game and treating it like a piece of cum is…
Ah, enough rushing, because unless I stop it, this will never end.
Let’s get to the thing instead.

***

If you are not familiar with this game yet, here’s a short recap of what’s going on (may contain spoilers, you’ve been warned). So, in a faraway galaxy, a clay creature named Hoborg the King built a new planet named The Neverhood. After getting bored of a few days living on it alone, he additionally creates a friend, Klogg, by using only one seed from his crown. This tiny thing will soon became an object of Klogg’s attention… As well as his throne. His property. His planet!!.. So, without any hesitating, the crown is being stolen… and Klogg becomes a retardedly-looking clay figure. Still, Hoborg is out cold. Klogg is the only owner of this deserted (by now) planet.
Basically, it’s not that deserted, but for such a planet, the cast of actual characters (until you get to the good ending) is pretty low. Along with the fact that most of them are minor. What are they? Well, Hoborg and Klogg themselves, obviously – that’s two. A big evil Robot Bil who spends the end of his rusty days surviving a punishment, pretty much like Sisyphus’s: sitting in a pit and being unable to get his lovely teddybear back (one more warning: this game is ultraweird) – that’s three so far. A couple of beasts called Weasels, yet who don’t have anything to do with the actual weasels – that’s five. Guy From The TV who has the only line in the entire game yet whose theme became used for some stand-up comedy shows – six. A random spider which may be found not too far from this guy – seven. A fluffy little mouse who stands in front of a BIG block of cheese – eight. A ‘talking eye’ which can be only seen through a little window there – nine. A Whack-o-Hammer little troll – ten. Three random squishy clay sheep – fourteen. Bear Retrieval Squad – sixteen. A creepy pterodactyl monster thing that Klogg summons as we invade ‘his’ castle – seventeen. Two Venus Fly Traps – nineteen.
And last, but not least, Willy Trombone. Goofy and hungry, like, as usual (he doesn’t care what he would have for dinner, even if it will be Weasel’s leg); he’s actually the son of one of Hoborg’s predecessors. And thanks to him, we’ll have an alter-ego to mess up with. Klaymen (forgive the incorrect spelling of the name you damn spellchecker, I warned you too).
Yeah, he’s silent pretty much most of the time. But that wouldn’t really bother him right now: the first time he shall actually talk to someone is in the ending. Before, we’ve gonna explore a damn lot of weird and funny locations which are made of clay. ENTIRELY, lemmie tell you.
The adventure will not be just a walk in the park. If you don’t know how to beat this game, then you’re doomed to, for example, stuck in a laboratory, without knowing how to actually shrink Klaymen. Sometimes, for a puzzles like this, the solution is situated just nearby your nose, though it wasn’t made to look that obvious…
Well, never mind. I’m gonna say that after the release of this port, the character of Klaymen became some sort of a star in Japan (a burning star, still, but in any case, Riverhillsoft & KIDSMIND Inc. made up their own Neverhood game, Klaymen Klaymen Gun Hockey, which had a minor at the gameplay BUT lost the atmosphere of the original). So why don't we get started checking the port out right now? Was it really worthy?

***

Talking about differences between PC and PS versions… Well, it’s still The Neverhood, but with some slight changes. First, the entire game is in Japanese (even some titles embedded in the clay were translated like nothing happened, yay!). Second is the availability of the Dual Shock support (why?). Third, you may listen to the entire OST in the options menu (another fanservice for those who can’t live without Terry Scott Taylor’s jazz?). Fourth… well…
Let’s get deeper into the Spanish Main this time. The game uses one, two or three screens per loading which means that you’re doomed to listen to the music themes from the beginning again and again multiple times. The game uses the CD even when you want to see Klaymen’s idle animations or just get gulped by a Venus Fly Trap at the beginning of the game. The loadings here are not very long, 10 seconds maximum. What? You say that roaming in Hall of Records in that case would be hell annoying? Calm down. It would be. Keyword: WOULD. But that won’t work with the creators of this port. If you try to walk through it on the PS version, you’ll find yourself amused and astonished. THE ENTIRE HALL OF RECORDS THING IS NOW THREE SCREENS ONLY! With all the records removed, obviously. You get into the room, hit the light switch, move on, see the wall where the goddamn long ‘This Game’s Bible’ is supposedly meant to be started and, after moving a bit further, just a bit… you see the disc. And the end of the room too. So, it’s sure a nice attempt to overcome the console’s RAM limitations. ‘Can’t fix it? Cut it down.’
Loadings may be, perhaps, the worst part of this port (not the game itself), but that can’t really spoil the fun, right? Not even a single texture or a FMV (including the ones where you see The Neverhood first-person style) was removed (apart from the location listed above), so, design-wise, this one is perfect. Possibly, the only moment where loadings may be annoying is the storyline movie narrated by Wiri Trombonkendan (used his Japanese name, just lemmie laugh a bit on it…) which loads segment-by-segment even if you collabed the entire thing. And, like on Windows, you can’t get past this one! Oh well. At least it’s a reason to go away for a while, like, shopping or just making a fridge clearing.
Back to the start of this review, some more minor differences, just for kicks and to get all the pieces of the complete picture altogether. First, some sounds in the game are being edited for some reason (like the ‘ding’ sound when you complete a puzzle being pitched up and Bil’s grunt inverted). Second, you get an intermission letter in Japanese when you start the game. Third, you get little help screens a-la Skullmonkeys, again, in Japanese, and again, when you start the game. Fourth, the mail is still present in this game, albeit you don’t get random ‘write back or die’ letters this time, instead, there’s ONLY one ‘write a reply’ letter. RAM constraints much?

***

Unlike a lot of cheap and not really cheap PC-to-console ports which I’m going to review really-really soon, the controls are comfortable. Kinda, if you’re using a gamepad. And exactly, if you still own a PS mouse. Yes, this game is one of those that actually supports mouse! It’s an adventure game, after all… Oh, by the way, this game doesn’t really need a shitload of slots on your memory card to save. One is enough, with three ‘subslots’ to save on, which really makes sense. The only inconvenience is that when you beat the game, all the saves of your current game will be blocked for usage, unlike in the original... Okay, now that makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

BOTTOM LINE:
Basically, when I first heard of Neverhood being ported to PlayStation, I spent almost all the New Year’s Eve of the year 2008 (Americans may replace this with ‘Christmas Eve’) to find the ISO of it. With the links on SNESorama and all other popular game ISO resources being shut down, I finally got it on the 20th-30th page of the results of my googling for this game. It was on Yoshitora’s Blogspot, uploaded on Rapidshare (ffff, I hated this filehoster very much) but even despite the filehoster’s unreliability, I finally got it. And, lemmie tell you, it was a great self-present, seriously. This thing would be forgotten with time, however, if the port would be crappy. But it isn’t. At least because you’re reading these lines.

Crash Nicker

SCREENSHOT TIME!

New shiny title screen. Not in clay like the pause menu in the PC version, but still makes sense.

One of the few moments in my life when I'm damn sorry I dunno Japanese... Or is that because I don't have a Japanese-languaged keyboard?

One statue there is, like, three shrinked Klaymens high.

One of the few cases where the final 'puzzle' is not the hardest.

Best escape scene ever, I'd give my testicles to prove that... But! My testicles are more of value than that stuff.

'Don't jump on it you piece of--' [gulp sound]

What I forgot to mention in the review is the progress bar... aw well, who cares.

THAT POST.

2010-07-25T20:41:00.000+02:00

Okay everyone, this is Crash Nicker, The Member #2 of SpaceNinja88's Digital Chimera Entertainment. Now, you may know me after several stuff related to the piracy in Russia to both YouTube and Pirated Games Central, but right now, I've decided to open up my own blog that will cover the topic of PC gaming... on the consoles. Obviously, that means that there will be mostly reviews of PC games ported on such consoles like PlayStation, NES, SNES and such (not vice versa). I might post some random stuff I usually do like chiptunes, Dendy: The New Reality translations and reviews of obscure games on obscure platforms. Before I start, just let me tell some things I will likely obey during filling this blog with reviews:

I won't give ratings to the games that become my victims. I give my opinion on the game and events that surround it as well as some technical info on the game like controls and the accuracy of the port. But not a stupid cipher that usually varies from one to ten. Because I know people that just limit with lurking at it without wondering why such rating was given. If you're one of those people, I made a 'Bottom Line' section just for you instead, because, to your knowledge, RATINGS ARE CHEAP.
I do accept the requests, but I don't give a warranty I'll actually review the game you want to see here. Either because I don't feel like doing it or because it goes outside the topic of the blog (attn all dimwits: the topic is listed above).
Everyone makes mistakes, even I. So if I make a mistake when explaining what's going on in the game or the gameplay of the game in general, comment on it without hesitating. Ranting about me saying wrong about the graphics, music or that or this gamie sucks is considered to be a spam or an attempt to start a holywar. Spam is instanly deleted, holywaring is allowed in really mild doses so don't go NUTZ.

That's it for intro, tank you very munch. If you want, sub and get ready for the carnival.